A good listener will listen not only to what is being said, but also to what is left unsaid or only partially said.
Listening involves observing body language
and noticing inconsistencies between verbal and non-verbal messages.
For example, if someone tells you that they are happy with their life
but through gritted teeth or with tears filling their eyes, you should
consider that the verbal and non-verbal messages are in conflict, they
maybe don't mean what they say. Listening requires you to concentrate
and use your other senses in addition to simply hearing the words
spoken.
Listening is not the same as hearing and in order to listen effectively you need to use more than just your ears.
1. Stop Talking
“If we were supposed to talk more than we listen, we would have two tongues and one ear.” Mark Twain.
Don't talk, listen. When somebody else is
talking listen to what they are saying, do not interrupt, talk over
them or finish their sentences for them. Stop, just listen. When the
other person has finished talking you may need to clarify to ensure you
have received their message accurately.
2. Prepare Yourself to Listen
Relax. Focus on the speaker. Put other
things out of mind. The human mind is easily distracted by other
thoughts – what’s for lunch, what time do I need to leave to catch my
train, is it going to rain – try to put other thoughts out of mind and
concentrate on the messages that are being communicated.
3. Put the Speaker at Ease
Help the speaker to feel free to speak.
Remember their needs and concerns. Nod or use other gestures or words
to encourage them to continue. Maintain eye contact but don’t stare –
show you are listening and understanding what is being said.
4. Remove Distractions
Focus on what is being said: don’t doodle,
shuffle papers, look out the window, pick your fingernails or similar.
Avoid unnecessary interruptions. These behaviours disrupt the
listening process and send messages to the speaker that you are bored or
distracted.
5. Empathise
Try to understand the other person’s point of
view. Look at issues from their perspective. Let go of preconceived
ideas. By having an open mind we can more fully empathise with the
speaker. If the speaker says something that you disagree with then
wait and construct an argument to counter what is said but keep an open
mind to the views and opinions of others. (See our page:
What is Empathy?)
6. Be Patient
A pause, even a long pause, does not
necessarily mean that the speaker has finished. Be patient and let
the speaker continue in their own time, sometimes it takes time to
formulate what to say and how to say it. Never interrupt or finish a
sentence for someone.
7. Avoid Personal Prejudice
Try to be impartial. Don't become irritated
and don't let the person’s habits or mannerisms distract you from what
they are really saying. Everybody has a different way of speaking -
some people are for example more nervous or shy than others, some have
regional accents or make excessive arm movements, some people like to
pace whilst talking - others like to sit still. Focus on what is being
said and try to ignore styles of delivery.
8. Listen to the Tone
Volume and tone both add to what someone is
saying. A good speaker will use both volume and tone to their
advantage to keep an audience attentive; everybody will use pitch, tone
and volume of voice in certain situations – let these help you to
understand the emphasis of what is being said. (See our page:
Effective Speaking for more)
9. Listen for Ideas – Not Just Words
You need to get the whole picture, not just
isolated bits and pieces. Maybe one of the most difficult aspects of
listening is the ability to link together pieces of information to
reveal the ideas of others. With proper concentration, letting go of
distractions, and focus this becomes easier.
10. Wait and Watch for Non-Verbal Communication
Gestures, facial expressions, and
eye-movements can all be important. We don’t just listen with our
ears but also with our eyes – watch and pick up the additional
information being transmitted via non-verbal communication. (See our
page:
Non-verbal Communication)
